Saturday, August 29, 2009

We Both Did 10 Years

Him.... in prison.
Me.... in a bad relationship that turned to a bad marriage.

Since October 2007, when we started writing to each other, we have been a part of each other's everyday.

He came home in April 2008. In April 2008, I was separated for a year.

I encouraged and supported him emotionally while he attended training and employment for a new life. He encouraged me and supported me emotionally in moving past the internal scars of an mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship, to my new single life.

I pushed him away so that he would be able to experience this world, find what he had been missing and live.

He pushed harder to experience it with me, said what he was missing was with me and he was living.

He said he wanted to take a chance. I got tired of pushing away the kind of man I said I wanted and decided to take a chance as well.

In my marriage, I gave myself fully and lost touch with who I am. He lost his 30's to a bad decision.

We are both scrambling to gain ground to make up for lost time. I get stuck in my own head, wanting to make sure I don't fall back into what I had in the past. He feels stuck thinking he is missing something in life.

What do I know today?

He moved into a room of his own, to experience it for the first time in his life.

It's only 5 minutes away from my house

I see him everyday. Everyday.

He risks his parole curfew in order to be here with me.

His mail still comes here.

He is getting my transmission fixed for me.

He is spending time with another woman as I type.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I found this beautiful quote on a blog last week and it is so appropriate.

"What you do speaks so loudly, I cannot hear what you say"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am in love still and I must be blind because I keep feeling like he loves me too.

Just pray for me, y'all.....
Charisse

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Spazz Much???

Well, this past month has been absolutely crazy! You know, where there is a man involved! Yeah, that kind of crazy! Can I get a prayer and a hug? I totally need a few! On the good side of it, I have lost a few pounds from the freaking stress but I have not cried so much EVER!!! That's what you get when you think THIS one is the ONE and you get a reality check, again! Now, I am not saying it is all completely over because, as these things go, it isn't completely over. It's getting there though. Been taking a month now and it is tiring to say the least!

I can't even say that I have my sanity intact because I feel like it is actually only hanging on by a string! I have spazzed out, cried out, sobbed, cursed, spazzed again, blocked him from leaving, kicked him out, packed his stuff, brought it back, loaded it up in my van and moved him. That is a lot! Did I mention that I have spazzed? Oh my goodness, I need to make that my credo, "Charisse Will Spazz, Just Give It Time!"

Honestly though, I am tired and emotionally worn out. Is it a phase? Maybe. Does he love me? I actually know he does. Is he worth waiting for? Nah, but it's hard to let go, you know. It is pressing on though, like waiting for that inevitable car crash! Like watching paint dry with fireworks goin on around you! Yeah, crazy, I know but that is what is going on right now in my life.

I sure do live up to my blog name, huh?

Love ya and please pray for me...
Charisse

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Yeah, I've Been Away for a While But I'm Back Now..

How have y'all been? Good, I hope. My last post dealt with me going to South Carolina for a funeral. All in all, it was a good visit. I spent time with my "family" and really enjoyed myself. I got to get out of NYC and I am all the better for it! I love travelling. It soothes my soul and gets the spiderwebs out of my mind.

But being as I am me, and my life is full of drama, I came home to some drama! Some with Love and some with my oldest daughter. I won't go into details but Love and I are still together and oldest daughter and I are still estranged. Such is this life I lead and the reason for the name of my blog!

Here's what I have been into lately:

I feel in love with the soap and beauty creations that Patrice is making and want her to hurry up and open her Etsy shop so I can buy some stuff.

My girl Christina is so very eloquent and she makes me wish I could just be around her every day waiting for her to share her knowledge and her nurturing spirit with me. Her kids and hubby are definitely blessed.

My creative juices are dry right now so I am loving looking at Sasha's scrapbook pages for inspiration. Hopefully my mojo will kick in soon!

Of course, I can't start or finish my day without being on Facebook! It is such an obsession. I went from having 6 friends to 96 friends in a matter of one week and I am now up to 199! I really didnt know I knew that many people but you know what, I LIKE IT!

Anyway, that is all for now! Talk to you soon!

xoxo
Charisse