Dear Momma

Today marks 5 years since my wonderful mother, Bernice Elizabeth, went to be with Our Father! She was 69 years old, a mother of 3, grandmother of 4, sister, daughter and friend to a chosen few.

She was a strong woman, who relied on no one but herself to take care of her children, no matter how hard, how challenging, how stressful. She was always proud and handled her business with ease.

Well, that is what it looked like to me when I was a teenager and a young adult. And then, I had my children and with each one growing up, I began to realize that the things I was going through, she went through. The emotions, the uncertainty, and "dying inside while outside looking fearless" (thanks Tupac).

I hurt my mother on many levels that I am only beginning to understand now that my oldest is 16 and relaying those same painful feelings into my heart. I am not an emotionally open person. I struggle with it fiercely and it is a constant battle to break down the walls, but I am trying. Little by little, I allow myself to show a little bit of vulnerability but it definitely frightens me. I am also passing this emotional flaw down to my children. Why do I feel this way? Well, because I have never taken my children to visit my mother's grave since the funeral. Not because it's too far, and not because I don't want the kids to remember her. I do speak about her and reminisce about her. I ask them do they remember her and what was their favorite thing about her. I tell my youngest what she used to do at my mom's house because she doesnt remember very much. She was only 4 when Mommy passed.

The reason is purely my own. It's because the pain is too much for me and so I shun the visit for myself. Every year I have said I would go visit and every year, I do not.

I am selfish. I realize that now. I don't mean to be, but I am. I don't want to share that part of me that is very vulnerable with anyone, not even my children and I now totally see how my decision is helping to stunt the emotional growth of my own children.

So, I make this promise to myself....

Before this year is out, I WILL take my children to visit their grandmother, with beautiful real flowers in hand and I will tell her all about them and apologize to her for not coming to visit and I know she will forgive me (because that is what mothers do) and I will cry in front of my children and embrace them when they cry, in order encourage them to express their emotions and live in the moment, and enjoy this life to the fullest!!!

(Thank you Christina, and I will post pictures too!)

Holla (through my tears),
Charisse

This Thanksgiving, Don't Forget That Special Friend!

I don't know about you but Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Yes, I'm serious. I am not crazy about Christmas in its commercial capacity at all. The whole hyped up ritual of wrapping presents that you spent a lot of money on, that the kids will play with for about an hour and then they are "bored". Uh, no, not my favorite holiday. I love Thanksgiving because it is involves what I love most, getting together with loved ones. I love having people come over to my house and spent time with me and mine. I get up early and cook all morning. Turkey, ham, stuffing, mac & cheese, collard greens, lasagne or baked ziti, and peach cobbler are a definite in my kitchen. Then I add in different things depending on my mood. Maybe some potato salad and a tossed green salad. Maybe a cake and a pie. It depends but I just love being able to show the people I love and care about what they mean to me.

The funny thing is that I don't have a lot of friends. I really don't. I don't have company come over and people rarely call me. Yeah, I know it sounds sad and unbelievable, but it is very true. I am one of those friends you have that you know she will "always be there" for you, but you forget to call her when you do a last minute get-together with all of your other girlfriends.

You know the one I am talking about.

The one you call and tell how good a time you had with all the girls and she says to you, "Well, why didnt you call me? I would have loved to go!"
(um-hum, don't get quiet now)

Or how about this, you need to know how to make something, or need to go over the details of the party you are planning and she is helping you with, or you need to vent about your problems and call her in the late night or early morning, knowing that she will listen to you and not judge you or make you feel bad about that mess you got yourself into. She brainstorms with you to get a resolution, you hang up, you take care of your issues, make everything right and then you don't call her to tell her "thank you" because you got caught up in something else and "forgot".

Yeah, I am that girlfriend.

I don't know what it is exactly that makes me that friend, but I have found myself asking "why didn't you call me" way more times than I want to remember. I have always been the reliable, faithful friend. It's just part of my character. It won't change, but I have grown up a lot so I don't get taken advantage of any longer.

As that friend, let me tell you some things:
1. When I invite you over to my house, I am looking for some of the love I have given to you in return.
I might be going through something.

2. When I call you to ask about what's going on in your life, sometimes I really would like you to say "nothing" and ask me about me for a change.
I might be going through something.

3. When you call to ask me that favor, ask me more than once if there is something I may need you to do for me, even if I deny it at first.
I might be going through something.

4. When I call and you see my number on the caller-id and decide "she can leave a message" and then you don't return my call.
I might be going through something.

Love your friends, ALL of them but especially that one you can ALWAYS depend on, who is the one that comes to ALL of your functions, who remembers ALL of your kids' birthdays, and yours and your husband's, who you wake up out of her sleep and ask her opinion about whatever............ because at the end of the day, when all of those other girlfriends, and messed up men are looking for a way to break you down and you feel the devil is on your back, and it's so bad you decide you are gonna come to my house this time.......................

You will find out that I moved two years ago and changed my phone number 6 months ago!! (that's why i invited you over and left a message for you to call me back)

Don't take your friends for granted!

Holla,
Charisse

I Totally Love That Picture!

Nothing like seeing a strong Black man happy to have a strong Black woman behind him, holding him, comforting him, encouraging him! And you can tell, she is PROUD to be there!

Love, real love, is always evident, even when you think no one is looking. I had a love so strong with my son's father that even when we weren't walking anywhere near each other in a room or in the street, we had people come up to us and say we made a cute couple, or that "your husband is trying to get your attention", when we were on the other side of the room from each other. Amazing. I am hoping I can have that with the man I am with now. Time will tell.

Anyway, those are my thoughts right now. Gotta do some work, since that is what they pay me for!

Holla,
Charisse

I am so Proud.....

We have OVERCOME and continue to do so!
Thank you Father!
Charisse

Our New President

I voted for that MAN in my banner at 6:30 this morning. Lucky for me, the polls were right down stairs in my building. After I finished my morning routine, I put on my comfy sweatpants, a simple shirt and my Croc flip flops. I walked to the door, with my little Rose following me to the door (Rose is my new puppy who I will introduce to you all later).

I walked out the door, locked it behind me 'cause I do live in the projects, walked to the stairs and walked down from the 3rd floor to the first floor. I walked out of the lobby, made a sharp right and greeted the 3 people standing outside the doorway with "Good Wonderful Morning". They greeted me back.

I walked in and saw the older ladies of the neighborhood, sitting at the table, with their name tags on, checking the book of registered voters. I said good morning to them with a wonderful smile and they returned the love. They asked me my name, looked for it in the book, found it and said "Charisse, sign right here". With no hesitation, I reached for the book and then I paused for a second to look at how beautiful my name looked in this book that permitted me to make a choice for my future and the future of my children, my friends, my extended family and for this COUNTRY, not just black folk.

After I signed, one of the ladies handed me a card and told me to go to machine number two. I walked to it, handed a young girl (one of the ladies' daughter) my card and pulled back the curtain.

Once inside, I stopped and looked at what was before me. Rows of names under party names other than Democrat and Republican. I saw Cynthia McKinney's name and although I would have loved to vote for her, I bet that she isnt even voting for HERSELF on this miraculous day!

The choice was easy really, all row A. I mean how hard was it? I didn't know anything about the court justices, but I decided to just do "row A all the way!" I pulled the red lever to the right, flipped the buttons in row A to make the X mark the spot and once I was satisfied, I looked at the top name again. Barack Obama with Biden underneath it. My heart swelled a little bit and then I flipped that red lever back to the left, the whole while, watching the X disappear from the names I just picked. Instantly, I felt a little sadness and apprehension of whether it would be recorded correctly. My heart got sad seeing those Xs disappear but I stepped out of that polling machine with pride in my heart and on my face. I wished everyone standing around a wonderful day and went back upstairs to my home, and my children, and my little puppy.

Since there is no school today, the kids are staying home. While I was putting my mascara on in the bathroom, my baby girl came in to handle her business. She was watching me, as all little girls watch their mothers, recording me into her memory for those flashbacks moments when she remembers something simple about her mommy. I saw her with my peripheral vision and felt her in my heart. I thought to myself that this is a historic moment and I need to share it with her so I said, while she is still watching me, "I went downstairs and voted this morning." She said "You did? What time?" I said, "6:30". She didnt ask anything else because she already knew who I was voting for. Barack Obama Even at 9 years old, she knows the deal.

So here I am at work, browsing the internet and I just find out that Mr. Obama's grandmother passed yesterday. Am I sad for his loss? Yes, but just a little bit.

I am much more emotional knowing that she decided to go home yesterday, the day before the election that WILL make her grandson the next President of the United States, because her work was done here on this Earth and that she was needed with our Heavenly Father, as the final link of the past in Mr. Obama's life, to make way for his wonderful, incredible, world-changing future.

Rest in peace to his grandmother, grandfather, mother and father.

Rest in peace to my mother, my father, my grandparents and my girlfriend Songy who died last year at age 34.

Rest in peace Dr. King, Mrs. King, Ms. King, Brother Minister Malcolm, Sister Betty, Mr. Marcus Garvey, Mrs. Parks, Chief Justice Marshall and all of our ancestors who fought for our future.

Rest, finally, in peace knowing that this day has indeed come! I am so proud of ALL of you.

We will have a nigger/colored/black/Afro-American/African American President tomorrow morning, November 5, 2008.

Say it with me.....
President Barack H. Obama
like a song on my heart

Peace,
Charisse