I forgot to tell y'all that I did finally get to my mother's grave. I didnt take the kids because it was on the way back from Delaware. I went down to sign papers so the Diva could get her driver's permit. They have driver's ed down there.
Anywho, The Diva is now speaking to me which is a blessing to my heart. My Love, aka My Best Friend's Brother, drove down with me so I had company. On the way back to NY, I told him that I wanted to visit my mom's grave. I had to call my sister to ask her to look up the directions for me since I havent been in the longest time. She told me the directions and we were on our way!
After getting off the highway, we go down the road to Rose Hill Cemetery in NJ. One thing I do remember is the section my mom is buried in so I direct Love that way. Once we get over there though, I don't know which headstone is hers. I wander around in the general vicinity and feel very ashamed that I don't remember where she is and I start to walk back to the car. Love is sitting there watching me, but not judging me as I was embarrassed enough. I decide to turn back around though, and look once more, and there she is, Ms. Bernice, waiting for me to come to Mommy. I stand there for a minute in a kind of shock, reading the headstone over and over again. I had forgotten what was written on it, even though I was the one who provided it. I reached down and touched her headstone and then picked up the dried out, dead flowers that I know my youngest sister left there on her visit a month ago.
Then I start telling Mommy that I'm sorry, apologizing to her and asking her to forgive me for being such a terrible daughter and that I have done a really bad job with the kids and how I wish she was there to help me and tell me what to do, with the tears and boogers flowing. Then I ask her to forgive me one last time and I hear in my heart that she already has because that is what mommies do. ((Sigh)) So I tell her that I miss her so much. Then I feel something near me and turn to see Love standing to the right, behind me, crying too. I walk over to him, wipe his tears away, look back at Mommy and tell her with my heart that I love her and that I will come back with the kids soon, and Love and I hug-walk back to the car.
A weight was lifted that day that was on my heart for a while. I feel more free and open since and it is a good thing.
I will bring the kids out there soon, when the weather is better and warmer. Now wouldnt not be good because I am scared the Mommy Mobile might give out on the New Jersey Turnpike.