Monday, April 20, 2009

It's Time to Let Her Grow Up....

My oldest daughter is going through a major phase of rebellion at this stage in her life. She is 16 years old and a half, taller than me, beautiful and thinks she is all-knowing of the ways of the world. I have been the best mother I know how to be and yet it isnt enough for her. She is extremely disrespectful and feels that I have not been there for her somehow but she hasn't pinpointed exactly where. There are other issues as well that have affected our lives that have been out of our control, people coming and going through death, separation, life in general, but I have always been right there. She doesnt seem to think that is what is important. Thus, we got into a physical fight back in July 2008 wherein she found out that Mommy is Mommy until you swing on her and then Mommy reverts to "Risse from Da Bronx who may not like to fight but knows how to put the beats on dat ass when absolutely necessary!!!" So she had been living with my sister in Delaware since then to get herself together, make a fresh start and do better.

My sister is much more patient than me, more open in some areas and even her patience has been tested by my oldest. Oldest has disrespected her and shown rebellion but all in all, since oldest was stuck in Delaware with no place to go, she didnt go all out like when she was home with me. She even disrespected my sister's man and she still got to stay. (Keep this in mind for future reference)

So, after 8 months in Delaware, my oldest decided that she wanted to spend spring break with me and her siblings. I said fine, of course. She appeared alright but since I know her, I knew something had to be brewing and that she had ulterior motives. Within the first 2 days, she went and got her tongue pierced and didnt tell me. My son noticed something in her mouth and asked about it. Spot blown up! I did the lecture about disease and not asking permission and all and she was like, "well I wanted it". Yeah. Ok.

Well, when Easter weekend came, all 3 of my kids went to my ex's house and spent 3 days there. The oldest 2 came back on the third day and Little Momma stayed with her daddy for the rest of the week. Cool. My son gives me no real issues so it was fine for him to be at home. The oldest was spending time with her girlfriends and letting me in on every step. Progress, right? Well it all hit the fan on this past Friday when she lied and said she was with her friends and in the same conversation said that they werent with her. Ummm, what? "Ok, well be home by nine-thirty!", I said, to which she stated she would not be, and hung up on me. Yeah, ok...

So she spent the night out Friday night and Saturday night, with no contact. I was only slighly worried because I have been through 3 run aways with her and so the routine gets old. My sister called Sunday to confirm oldest's bus schedule and brought her up to date on the drama. She contacted oldest and spoke to her, asking her where her head was and why was she being disrespectful. My sister informed oldest that she should have learned something in the 8 months in Delaware and that oldest should call her back in an hour and tell her one thing, just one little thing she learned and then she would be able to return to Delaware, make amends with me and move on. Yeah, ok....

Oldest called her back 3 hours later saying she couldnt think of anything and my sister asked her what would be her forwarding address since she would not be coming back to Delaware. Oldest didnt even know what a forwarding address was. My sister told her to call me. Oldest called me and said "your sister said to call you". Mmmm, ok. I asked what was up and she told me my sister told her she couldnt come back to Delaware. I asked her what she was going to do and she said it was "up to y'all", to which I told her, no, it was up to her since she was making grown-up decisions and hung up on her. I havent heard from her since.

She has no clothes, no money, but she has her ticket back to Delaware and a cellphone with minutes on it to contact me, my sister, her father, her stepfather, and whomever else she needs to when the time hits.

As much as it hurts me, I have placed her in The Father's Loving Arms and put ALL of my faith in His divine plan for our lives. I cannot accept her disrespect and misguidance and I will be here waiting for her when she finally comes around.

Until then I am sad but not forsaken...
Charisse

10 comments:

Kristi said...

That's what you call Touch Love and hopefully she gets her act together and figures this out!! 16 is too young to be making decisions that are bound to lead her down the wrong path. Sorry you are going through this, Charisse :(

Anonymous said...

my mom went through the same thing with my sisters...

stay prayed up. if youve done all u know to do, then it's all on her.

Anonymous said...

OMG...I hope she comes around before she gets hurt out in the street..which there is ALOT of hurt in the streets.

I have no kids..but I was a teen once..and hopefully this is a phase. But maybe what she doesnt know is she can make ONE ..just ONE bad decision and it can ruin her life forever!

I got piercings as a teen. But I went to my mom and told her I really wanted a belly piercing..she didn't want me to get it but she understood it was a fad adn didn't want me sneaking around in places that gave piercings without parental consent. She was with me when I got it.

I wish you the best hun..sending comfort and love your way!

Go.

Christina said...

OMGoodness! Your daughter has a long way to go in the route she is choosing. I know you have done what you could, so it's up to prayer now. I have to be honest and admit, I am full with tears.

Love to you all.

Blessings.

Anonymous said...

Oh and about that fight..I remember my mother use to slap me in the face for smacking lips or rolling eyes. One day I tried to block her slap by throwing my hands up and accidently tipped her glasses off her face. I thought she was going to kill me. My dad was a police officer so we had guns in the house..I was thinking oh shyt... I'm saying all this to say. Send your daughter to my mother..okay still praying for you!

mademoisellechitchat said...

GIRL, y'all are in my deepest prayers.

Jesus.

SE'LAH... said...

Sending prayers up for you, your daughter, and your relationship. JAH will provide.

Nicky said...

You're in my prayers. My mom went through similar with my brother. He eventually decided to live with his "woman" cause he thought he was a "man". Fastforward 11 years, him now 30 years old and he's regretting his decisions like a mug.

God be with you and your family. Tough love has it's place and you're doing well at exercising it. Hope "the oldest" gets the point before she makes regrettable, non-reversable mistakes.

blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said...

Hi there!

My heart goes out to you.

I can assure you that children don't just "go through a phase"...have you asked her if she has been sexually assaulted? I think it's time to sit down and find out where the REAL anger is coming from.

Rage in teenagers is often rooted in buried pain....sometimes...it has to do with anger at mom because dad wasn't there for her. The teen blames mom for not having a dad around... that needs to be discussed.

Sometimes the rage is based on the parent's inattentiveness...even Jada Pinkett mentioned that she had to check herself about being FULLY present with her kids emotionally and not just in the room with them but distracted with other things.

If she won't talk, then you may need to tell her that if she doesn't agree to therapy with you then she can't come back to visit. I know that's hard but kids need to know there are consequences for refusing to work on their issues.

It's okay to say:

"Mommy still loves you but mommy will not ignore that there are major problems that need to be worked out. It will take commitment on my part and yours and if you won't give your commitment, you can not be here."

Brown English Muffin said...

god this is the hardest age. I remember when I ran away from home at 16 to live with my boyfriend...boy did I think I was grown!!! My boyfriend checked in with my mother every day but i didn't even know it. I still went to school...I don't even remember going back home though I know I did.